The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
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Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.