@kevinseccia: The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says "kill, kill, kill" as his eyes swirl...
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@uMakeMeBad: At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
@Papa_Mex: When a coworker pisses me off, I like to write his name down for 23 boxes of girl scout cookies on the form in the break room
@jimmytorosian: An excerpt from my self help book, "How to Get Rich Quick" Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick The End
@rickolantern: I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I'm on it and that's not what's happening.