@kevinseccia: The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says "kill, kill, kill" as his eyes swirl...
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@70Ceeks: son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said "and here's the liar in her natural habitat"
@sploosk: ME: I've spent my whole life running THERAPIST: from who you are? ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
@foodfacenow: Interview Boss: Greatest weakness Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics B: Is that here on your resume M: Whoomp, there it is
@pizzajaynow: She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.