The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
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all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
i’m laughing very hard in real life
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?