The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
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replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
It’s an epidemic…
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.