the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
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Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
This raises questions
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”