The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
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why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
operators are standing by to ignore your call
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo