The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
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I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
#dalle2
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis: