@omerwahaj: The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
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@pbear79: I cashed in my swear jar today... The guy at the Rolls Royce dealership said he'd never done a transaction in change before.
@LostFelicia: If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
@Crunk_Jews: This drunk guy in the mirror thinks he can beat me in a dance off but I totally embarrassed him in front of the whole women's bathroom.
@sammyrhodes: Shaving your beard is a great way to remember what you looked like when you were 5.