@omerwahaj: The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
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@XplodingUnicorn: I can fake my way through most conversations with my kids if I just look up from my phone every time they stop talking and say "no."
@fart: the real reason you shouldn’t flush condoms is the fish get caught in them and it makes the fishermen laugh so hard they fall off the boat
@jeffswarens: By the volume of the pans clanging in the kitchen. I think I'm supposed to go volunteer to help with something
@iwearaonesie: If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you're staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell "My eyes!" BEFORE she starts changing