The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
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“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
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“Oh god wait.”
the answer was staring at me all along
In banana years, I am bread.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?