@JennyJohnsonHi5: The new neighbors moved in today. I brought them a box of condoms to show how much I don't want anymore children living on our street.
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@rolldiggity: CASHIER: "Did you find everything you were looking for?" ME: "Oh, yes..." [places "How To Murder A Cashier" book on counter]
@JessObsess: I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
@juicymorsel: I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.