@JennyJohnsonHi5: The new neighbors moved in today. I brought them a box of condoms to show how much I don't want anymore children living on our street.
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@MelvinofYork: Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now. Wife: I don’t know what "DTF" means. Me: Take a guess. Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
@melgabored: BIDEN (whispering) Barack. Psst, Barack. Barack, turn around. OBAMA Joe, I'm a little busy. BIDEN I love you.
@VerbsRProudest: mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren't being eaten. So. I guess it's probably horrified-screaming my language.
@ValeeGrrl: [my kids walk in on me being murdered] ME: call 911 KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?