Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
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I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
My flabber has been gasted.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle