@meladoodle: The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I've ever had
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@BuckyIsotope: *robbers burst into bank* EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG *bank manager frowns* What's updog? WE'RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT'S UP WITH YOU
@SortaBad: *hears a man crying in a bathroom stall at work* "Excuse me, are you okay? Because you're kinda stealing my thing"
@GayDeceiver: Meanwhile, in Facebook, Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his "roommate" of 20 years.
@sammyrhodes: My leg brushed against the toilet in a Starbucks bathroom. Goodbye leg. You were a good leg.