Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
You Might Also Like
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
barbara was highly relatable
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*