The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
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[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*