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[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Thursday Thought.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon: