My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
You Might Also Like
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.