Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
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I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Goat cheese is for herders.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
My work here is don’t.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.