The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
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[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Facebook memories be like
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”