@noog: The news
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@KalvinMacleod: Dave is coming over. Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave? Outside: THIS RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING.
@DaddyJew: Her: have you had the sex talk with our son yet? Me: *looks over at son wearing crocs* I think we can wait a few years
@jordan_stratton: [Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream] Oh my god, Linda, it's like you've never even heard of ants.