@Fred_Delicious: The news is so predictable nowadays
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@JennyPentland: "Mommy, I don't wanna grow up and die!" "Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really."
@mikeleffingwell: Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they're singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
@DaddyJew: [on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll] Are you sure you're ok?
@Book_Krazy: Her: How's your drink? Me: It's ok. I can't taste the alcohol though Her:That's cause we're at the gym and its a protein shake