At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
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Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
when dads have a rap battle
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Tell the colonel to bring it
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.