@Fred_Delicious: The news is so predictable nowadays
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@michael_J_m00n: Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don't even drink blood alcohol.
@jergarl: My 7yo has a friend over and I'm pretty sure he learned how to whisper during a hurricane.
@Bagyants: MSNBC: Racist gets what he deserves! FOX: What's next, thought crimes? CNN: If you stare at your hand for a long time it will look weird
@cray_at_home_ma: There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.