@TimFernholz: The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
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@StarWarsProblms: Leia: You owe child support. Han: What? I'm in hyperspace. Leia: You're standing right here Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
@DamonHunzeker: Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird -- I didn't even know horses could live underwater.
@aparnapkin: "Women are crazy!" "Did one try to murder you unprovoked?" "No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me."
@causticbob: What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.