he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
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My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
My love language is deader than Latin
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.