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Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Yeah. This was me today.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
I remember when things only cost an arm.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.