[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
You Might Also Like
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.