The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
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“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Do one person every day that scares you.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.