@TuffyNyC: The next person who calls it an ATM Machine is getting sent to the ICU Unit.
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@bourgeoisalien: Is there an apology card for: Sorry I kidnapped your dog and made him run on a treadmill to power my toaster last week, or no?
@imchriskelly: "What charities do you donate to?" "I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world."
@GoldenSpirals: Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn't have bought all this meat.