@JaneBadall: The next stick figure family I see with more than 3 stick figure kids is getting a complementary condom taped on their rear window.
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@NYorNothing: Me: We should set up a play date Hot dad at park: You have a kid? Me: No, I said WE should
@andylevy: twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
@maebemarbles: *Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note* "Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne." *Santa grows very pale*
@jonnysun: JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh...... ok