WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
You Might Also Like
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter