Me trying to “trust the process”
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On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Flock of bats
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.