@humanwarnings: The next time I hang out with people who start making out in front of me, I'm going to start flossing my teeth in front of them.
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@AaronFullerton: Making a list of all the people who wrote "Happy Birthday" on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who's secretly mad at me.
@peterjames48: How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
@ParkerTheKing: I will do a lot of things but admiting I'm cold to my mom when she told me to bring a jacket is not one.
@squirrel74wkgn: [at movie theatre] Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh Son: ... Daughter: ... Me (whispers): ...it