I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
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Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
The news is so predictable nowadays
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
How much for the goth pool noodles?
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer