@weirdralph: The next time someone says "expect the unexpected," I'm going to punch them in the nose and ask if they expected that.
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@AndyAsAdjective: *accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I'm too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
@iwearaonesie: So important your wife knows you're petting the dog when she hears you say "you're getting a little chunky"
@Smooheed: When anyone says they've embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think 'that kind of limit sounds nice'