@weirdralph: The next time someone says "expect the unexpected," I'm going to punch them in the nose and ask if they expected that.
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@YourAnMoron: I accidentally just laughed at something my 4-year-old did so now I have to pretend to laugh as she does it forty thousand more times.
@shkeeber: I can't diet because it would devastate the local fast food economy, and frankly, I just don't think I could live with that kind of guilt.
@djdarrellripley: Her: Isn't she your girlfriend? Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn't checked her voice mail yet...