The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
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Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
😩😩😩
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Gods work.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.