the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
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I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.