The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
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My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.