@Donna_McCoy: The nice bed in my guest room says "Get comfortable." But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say "Not too comfortable."
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@TheTobbie: Is it racist that I've been talking to this one white chick on my street for months now & just realized she's actually 5 white chicks?...
@Jake_Vig: When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say "Is that who you were telling me about?"
@NoTheOtherJohn: ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT'S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
@faizziy: That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..