The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
You Might Also Like
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please