Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
You Might Also Like
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards