The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
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Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
🤔😂😂
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Who needs an Air Fryer?