The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
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My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Dead sexy!!
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.