I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
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[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed