[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
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I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
prepare for carbonated trouble
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate