Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
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I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
My good tweets are in my other pants.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?