The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
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“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
$3 #books
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy