My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
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Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
next question.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.