@NeinQuarterly: The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: "Got a new joke for you." NSA: "Heard it."
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@ThisOneSayz: "So I go east? Then west? Then back east?" ~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
@Carbosly: Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes? This is God thanking them for bacon.
@ojedge: [date] Me: 'Don't let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…' Her: "Shall we order dessert?" Me: "LET'S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!"