@LostFelicia: The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn't want to cruise with me again) many.
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@Brianhopecomedy: 5 year old: "That's a big truck!" "It's a moving truck." "ALL TRUCKS MOVE." Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
@justabloodygame: [Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy] "Let's see who this ghost really is!" No! Wait, I'm not- [rip off face] *gasps* "OLD MAN SKELETON?"
@jjhartinger: Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish? Me: Staying up past 10:00.
@FunkyFresh_79: Operator: 911 what's your emergency? Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I'M NOT EVEN IN THEM!