@LostFelicia: The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn't want to cruise with me again) many.
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@Terdoh: Considering what Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark did with their wealth, Bill Gates should be ashamed of himself.
@missmayn: What happened to sneaking out and getting drunk in the woods? Teenagers these days be all “I hate you mom I’m joining ISIS.”
@TitansHomer: Operator: 911 Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do? O: Relax sir, is this her first born? Me: No, this is her husband.