The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
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“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S