The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
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When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
my favorite genre of twitter
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.