The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
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Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
favorite tropes as memes
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”