The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
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Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.