The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
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I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
I know karate and tons of other words.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.