@bourgeoisalien: The number one cause of depression in people over 30 is hearing co-workers resentfully sing, "Happy Birthday" just to get cake.
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@lilgapeach30: If I had a dollar for every time I heard "grow up!" I could buy a seriously awesome security system to keep doody heads out of my fort.
@HomeProbably: This strange woman won't stop talking to me so I'm going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
@Fruit_Slinger: I'm hungry but broke so I'm waiting for my bf to say he's hungry too than he'll order something delicious while I pretend to be indifferent.
@Manda_like_wine: I walked up to my 9yo and said, "How goes it?" He looks up at me and says, "God is history's greatest serial killer."