@bourgeoisalien: The number one cause of depression in people over 30 is hearing co-workers resentfully sing, "Happy Birthday" just to get cake.
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@AristotlesNZ: Me: There's a real fat one on the other team! Her: "My son's not fat!" How you know I was talking about him? "Cuz he's the.." Fat one? "Ya."
@rodimusprime: Bad guys gotta have a meeting and decide once and for all Liam Neeson's family is off limits.
@Tmoney68: I've been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
@CleverGirl85: Trolling my FB friends by commenting "Looking good ;)" on solo pics of their husbands