@bourgeoisalien: The number one cause of depression in people over 30 is hearing co-workers resentfully sing, "Happy Birthday" just to get cake.
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@DaHess1: Pizza will never tell you you're fat unless you're high as shit, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.
@david8hughes: *grandma sobbing at my graduation* "Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there." *wipes tear* "But they didn't want to come."