Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
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Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
i love meeting boys on tinder
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!