Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
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I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
A classic…
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2